#feelings

This morning I woke up feeling absolutely shit.

Incomplete.

Running on E.

Tired.

Not to mention I also felt extremely fat and overweight and I thought by not eating anything for an hour I was gonna start feeling better WRONG as soon as I ate something (oats w yoghurt and peaches) I felt a heap better.

But that didn't stop me with then negative chitter chatter that goes on in my brain - it's non stop. Do I seriously need to keep talking to myself like this. I wish I could stop. I wish I could just look in the mirror and be super positive about life and shit.. BUT I CAN'T. Not at the moment, maybe one day soon.

Jase wants me to help him lose weight and I laughed like seriously laughed.. I mean yeah I want to lose weight but he's the one who always gets in the way of that.. I mean last time I got to 87kg from 105kg he'd decided that he was finished with the exercise etc and then I just went down hill from there.. I mean I know I can't blame him because I am my own person but it does make it hard.

I felt like crying this morning, over, and over, AGAIN! Wish I could just stop complaining and get on the right track.. I want to be able to to be the old me again which was happy and vibrant and focusing on the bigger things in life.

Anyway that's enough negative talk for the day, later.

Being Fat

Being Fat

Being 23, morbidly obese and weighing in at 100kg is the most depressing thing ever! I feel fat and I eat to comfort myself then I feel worse and keep eating. The guilt eats me up so much that I eat even more.. So much to the point I'm on the verge of purging every where and that would just be ugh so I hold it in and feel sick until most the food has digested and I'm not feel so ill anymore.
I was a size 12 through college, I wasn't so much fat or chubby I just had curves. I wish that I could go back to that size when I thought I was fat but actually wasn't - now I look in the mirror and I actually am fat and telling myself that I am - it's crazy how damaging words can be to the mind. 

The other day I ate a donut and saw my reflection in the mirror about 10 minutes later - needless to say I went and threw up in the toilet - as much as I could get out. 

I told Jase that I just felt sick, in reality though, I wasn't - I just thought that if I'd thrown it up then I wouldn't get fat. But that's the thing - I haven't thrown up since then because it felt so disgusting and apparently it's extremely bad for you if you're throwing up after every meal and takes a huge toll on your body. I really wish that there was some sort of skill to getting skinny - everyone can say it's just clean eating and exercise but honestly it's so hard to say that to someone who has no belief in themselves, no motivation, no body to pick them up when they're craving the sweet stuff (that's my biggest down fall) wish I knew how to just exercise and eat clean.. I mean I guess there is not much to know and it is pretty straight forward but sometimes I just need some help and someone to kick me up the ass every time I go to leave the house to get a chocolate bar or something ridiculous like that.

It's actually a seriously problem - my relationship with food. If I could make it better I totally would and I am actually trying.. Sort of.. Not really, okay so I'm not really, but maybe some day soon the sun will start shining out of my ass and I will have the confidence to be able to say "I CAN DO THIS" instead of "I can't".

Note to self: More positive mental talk, less negative mental talk